PARIS, FRANCE -- In
a paper released today in the prestigious Journal Archéologie Poisson
d'Avril, prominent archaeologist and chair of Ancient Studies
at the Academie de Niaiserie in Paris, Professor Emeritus Montant
Taureaumerde, has proven conclusively that the objects commonly known
as "swords" (French: epées), once believed to be authentic
and revered historical objects, were actually an invention of a Tolkien-inspired
conspiracy in the 1960's.
In an exclusive interview today, Professor Taureaumerde defended his
groundbreaking work, saying, "It should have been obvious to all of
us. In the works of Tolkien, do you not also see orcs, elves
and dwarves? Where are these creatures in real life? Show to
me an orc and I will show to you an authentic 'sword.'"
Decades of careful research have led Taureaumerde to this astounding
and irrefutable conclusion. Taureaumerde's findings have clearly debunked
other long-standing claims that swords were either invented during
the Bronze Age (2500 BC to 1200 BC) in Europe and Asia, or in the
late 1990's in the State of Washington.
"This was clearly a '60s thing," Taureaumerde confidently
asserts, "a no doubt drug-induced prank that set these hoaxsters
to giggling amongst themselves." The identities of the perpetrators
of this worldwide hoax, a terrorist group of hippie-types from the
early 1960's known only as the "Tolkienistas," are being withheld
pending an open investigation by Interpol.
The Tolkienistas appear to believe that the history of the world should
be reshaped in the image of the cosmology developed by the late English
novelist J.R.R. Tolkien, a world populated by fire-breathing dragons
and other mythical creatures, in which these "swords" play
a prominent role.
The hoax required many man-years for the careful falsifying of historical
documents and rewriting of passages in history books to support the
spurious idea that these "swords" were actually used in ancient
times.
Even such esteemed period sources as the Maciejowski Bible and the
Bayeux Tapestry, often pictured in sword-related literature, were
in fact altered by members of this secret society to support what
is now known as the "sword myth."
Taureaumerde first stumbled upon this startling conclusion while examining
rare un-retouched original photographs of the Maciejowski manuscript
and the Bayeux Tapestry, among others, from the 1950's -- which surprisingly
showed no signs of these apparently mythical objects. Later photographs,
presumably "retouched" and widely distributed by the Tolkienistas,
show many examples of these "swords" falsely inserted into them.
The image from the Bayeux Tapestry showing the
Death of King Harold that we are all familiar with -- as "retouched"
by the Tolkienistas in the 1960's |
The original image from the Bayeux Tapestry showing
the more plausible account of the death of King Harold from
wounds inflicted by a Norman-era semi-automatic "handgonne,"
as photographed unretouched in the 1950's |
A widely publicised image from the famous German
artist A Dürer´s book purportedly on "fencing," showing
men fighting with the mythical "grossemesser"
(German for "big knife") -- as "retouched"
by the Tolkienistas in the 1960's |
The original image from the famous German artist
A Dürer´s actual book "The Gentele Arte of Perfumes
and Potpourries," as photographed unretouched and un-rewritten
in the 1950's, apparently
showing men striking each other repeatedly with lillies and
making a "grossemesse" (German for "big
smelly mess") of each other |
|
The image from the Maciejowski Bible showing
the the Amalekite who brought Saul's crown to David being executed
at David's order "by the sword" -- as "retouched"
by the Tolkienistas in the 1960's |
The image from the Maciejowski Bible showing
the the Amalekite who brought Saul's crown to David being executed
at David's order using a more practical common household appliance
-- as photographed unretouched in the 1950's |
These new facts shed a harsh light on the sudden "resurgence"
(some would even say "renaissance") of interest in "swords"
that sprang up in the 1960's and that continues to this day. This
interest was previously believed to have been only spurred by the
writers of such fantastical literature as Robert E. Howard, Roger
Zelazny, J.R.R. Tolkien, and others, but ultimately supported by "historical
facts" and "original examples." Today we know, thanks
to the tireless work of Professor Taureaumerde, that the "historical"
basis of these objects is totally counterfeit.
The many examples of "historical original swords," as Taureaumerde
derisively refers to them, that today reside in places of honor in
museums and private collections, were in fact made by one man, known
only as "Bob." These "swords" were then buried and subsequently
"discovered" and "painstakingly excavated" with much fanfare by secret
members of the Tolkienista, posing as legitimate archaeologists during
falsified archaeological "digs."
"This heinous sort of historio-terrorism is not uncommon
(re-writing history to serve one's own ends has a long and glorious
history of its own -- or so we believe, as it is difficult to be certain,
for reasons that should be obvious), and this conspiracy is likely
the most successful of such hoaxes perpetrated in recent years,"
Taureaumerde notes.
The question remaining on everyone's lips is "Why?"
Taureaumerde theorizes that, because the Tolkienistas grew up in an
era of rebellion and romanticism, the "sword" as described
in Tolkien's works was a romantic image that appealed to them.
Taureaumerde surmises that the Tolkienistas wanted to popularize the
absurd notion that true early human history was also built on this
mythical "weapon of singular destruction" (or WSD).
As Taureaumerde, however, reasonably points out:
"Really, if you think about it for a moment, how silly is this
idea of fighting with a sword? If someone threatened me with a sword,
I would simply shoot him!"
"I am sure that Odysseus or King Arthur would have done the same
- they were practical men," Taureaumerde added.
"To claim that our human history was shaped by such a ludicrous
object -- an object that can be picked up only by one end without
hurting onesself (and I have experienced this first-hand, to my dismay)
-- is pure fantasy."
Taureaumerde concluded with, "These ridiculous objects should
be relegated only to fantasy novels, comic books and low-budget motion
pictures, where they belong..."
In libraries around the world, all "scholarly" works mentioning the
"sword" and its role in history are now being moved to the
fiction sections usually devoted to crop circles, alien abductions
and Bigfoot.
Peter Johnsson, a noted re-creator and documenter of such purported
"historical swords" in Sweden, after reviewing Taureaumerde's research
and being asked for comment said:
"My God, what have I done with my life…? I could have been a successful
graphical designer…"
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